"Hello, Turkey? Thanks for naming a city after me."

This week's 'scopes: turkey based

CAPRICORN
Latent yearning within you will come to the surface, manifesting itself in an uncontrollable urge (tm) to consume large amounts of turkey, or turkey-like substances. 

SAGITTARIUS

You are heading down a slippery slope. Your embarrassing behavior when drunk has led you to fear that people think you're an idiot. (You are.) This has led to more drinking, which has led to more embarrassing behavior, etc. (There are also health issues here, but not one cares about your health.)  Stop drinking right now! You will still be an idiot, and you're probably an asshole when sober anyway, but at least you won't have the alcohol induced confidence to bother other people. 

ARIES
You will be overcome by an urge to bowl. Do it. The celestial alignment of Neptune with The Poseidon Adventure tells me that this is a good bowling week for you. You will have a boost of confidence when you bowl three strikes in a row and your name flashes on the scoreboard. 

MELEAGRIS
Your nights have been plagued by a recurring dream in which you go to work dressed as Batman in a fez, and a woman named Anatolia follows you around and eats all your tofu. Stop sleeping. Also, you will feel nauseous, right about now, due to over-consumption of turkey jokes. 

The scorpion monkey, or Ateles Arachnida, is a member of the class of animals, along with spider monkeys, known commonly as Arachnoid Primates. (See artist’s rendering above.) Those scorpion monkeys living near urban areas are infamous for climbing in windows and urinating in cups of coffee. 

This week's 'scopes: arachnoid primates

TAURUS
You will feel shock when a spider monkey gets into your house through the bathroom window and pees in your coffee. Drink it. What the hell.

ARIES
This week has been marked by inner pain for you, probably due to a bad batch of broccoli. Things will improve, however, when you discover that you’re going to die soon anyway.

SCORPIO
You will feel disappointment when your X-files marathon is interrupted by a scorpion monkey getting into your house through the bathroom window and peeing in your coffee. Don’t drink it. The monkey is likely an Aries, and suffering from a bladder infection due to a bad batch of broccoli. 

RHINOCETARIUS
A recent burst of self-confidence will be validated when your boss asks you to pose nude for a “customer service telephone representatives of the month” calendar for “charity”. Do it. This is also the week you will stop pretending you have any integrity.