Thursday, November 17, 2011

This week's 'scopes: turkey based

Latent yearning within you will come to the surface, manifesting itself in an uncontrollable urge (tm) to consume large amounts of turkey, or turkey-like substances. 
You are heading down a slippery slope. Your embarrassing behavior when drunk has led you to fear that people think you're an idiot. (You are.) This has led to more drinking, which has led to more embarrassing behavior, etc. (There are also health issues here, but not one cares about your health.)  Stop drinking right now! You will still be an idiot, and you're probably an asshole when sober anyway, but at least you won't have the alcohol induced confidence to bother other people. 
You will be overcome by an urge to bowl. Do it. The celestial alignment of Neptune with The Poseidon Adventure tells me that this is a good bowling week for you. You will have a boost of confidence when you bowl three strikes in a row and your name flashes on the scoreboard. 
Your nights have been plagued by a recurring dream in which you go to work dressed as Batman in a fez, and a woman named Anatolia follows you around and eats all your tofu. Stop sleeping. Also, you will feel nauseous, right about now, due to over-consumption of turkey jokes. 

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