Monday, June 3, 2013

This week: Back from the dead

You will go completely insane due to getting a song stuck in your head that, no matter how hard you try, won't go away. It will just keep playing over and over in your mind, to the point that it consumes all your thoughts. You will be unable to sleep. You will be unable to work. You will be unable to  maintain healthy human relationships. This one, otherwise harmless, song will be your end. Still, it's better than listening to Aerosmith.

You will fear your health is in danger after a disconcerting trip to the bathroom. Don't worry; it's just asparagus pee; it happens to everyone.

You will fear for your safety after being abducted by two-headed, homicidal space pirates. Don't worry; it happens to everyone.

You want a baby? Why don't you go knock up some willing hellhound!

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Tabula 'Scopesa: Happy New Year!

Last year seems like a disappointment, but that's ok. This year is a clean slate; a chance to put all last year's mistakes behind you...except the public masturbation incident...that's on record.

2011 was a year of milestones for you. Ride that high as long as you can; you can expect little more than crippling failure in 2012.

You are concerned that there may be some truth in all the rumors about the Mayan calendar. Don't worry about that; those are just rumors. What you SHOULD worry about is why you are stupid enough to believe nonsense like that.

2012 is your year! You will finally be free of the burden of living up to unrealistic expectations after all your friends and family disown you due to your destructive behavior. Now, you will not have to worry about disappointing anyone, or ruining innocent people's lives through either the devastating heroin addiction you will develop, or all the ignominious deeds you will engage in in order to support that addiction.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

This week: Bears, lions and stuff, like ohmygod

Watch out for bears. Those things'll fuckin' kill ya.

Lions too, for that matter.

So, like, you should TOTALLY try something new. Ohmygod, how cool would that be? Because, like you probably feel like your life is, like, totally stagnating and stuff? And you're, like, seeking totally new adventures, ya know? Oh. My. God. You should SO take a vacation! Ohmygod, like Hawaii, or something? Get OUT! That would be SO totally COOL! 

You will do a bunch of stuff that I don't really remember, but I know take place in San Francisco and probably involve a lot of suspense. You will also have a pretty cool movie poster designed by Saul Bass. 

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

This week: The Horoscopist's Guide to Stupidity

You will run out of ideas for your weekly fake horoscope blog that nobody cares about.

You will be happy with whatever damn horoscope you get.

If you think you're gonna get a better horoscope than everyone else this week, think again. I don't know who lied to you to make you think you're so goddamned special, but it ain't true, so get over your precious self.

Your instability produces in you a terrible sense of personal insecurity and a jealous resentment of all stable life-forms. You will also wonder how this is funny, and if the author is making some obscure idiotic nerd reference (he is) and if so, why he would do that. Wonder no more! I have the answers you so desperately seek: the author is a Scorpio.

Monday, December 5, 2011

This week's 'scopes: the future is eventual.

You will soon encounter a long-lost acquaintance. Ignore him. Encountering long-lost acquaintances is what facebook is for. At least there you can unfriend the douchebag when he gets annoying, which is usually immediately.

A rare investment opportunity will present itself to you. Take advantage of it! You will will have to sell your children into slavery, but you hate those needy little shitheads anyway, and if it weren't for having to put food in their ungrateful mouths you could have afforded this opportunity in the first place.

Being an Aquarius probably means having idiots sing that stupid 5th Dimension song every time you tell someone your sign. God must hate you.

You will soon find that selling your semen isn't really sustainable as a "job" after you're banned from the local sperm bank and your attempt to peddle it at the farmers market ends in failure and humiliation.

Monday, November 28, 2011

This week: Stetho-'scopes: The doctor is in.

Your recent feelings of foreboding can be attributed to a decline in health. To put it plainly: you have cancer. And, being a Cancer, you have Cancer cancer. That’s double cancer. That’s not astrology; that’s math. 

Fact: 9 out of 10 Pisces are assholes. Fuck you.
You will experience a mysterious feeling in the back of your brain. It's not a mystery; it’s malignant. Don’t get it looked at; no-one wants you around anyway. 
A sudden obsession with prog rock will lead to an obsession with trying to track down a good recipe for “brain salad surgery”. Do not follow this obsession! (I’m talking about prog rock. Don’t worry about brian salad surgery; it’s delicious!) A recent study in the New England Journal of Medicine has shown that the human psyche is only capable of hearing one 20 minute Moog solo per year before it will incur permanent damage.