This week: The Horoscopist's Guide to Stupidity

SCORPIO
You will run out of ideas for your weekly fake horoscope blog that nobody cares about.

CAPRICORN
You will be happy with whatever damn horoscope you get.

ARIES
If you think you're gonna get a better horoscope than everyone else this week, think again. I don't know who lied to you to make you think you're so goddamned special, but it ain't true, so get over your precious self.

SIZE NINE CHUKKA BOOTS
Your instability produces in you a terrible sense of personal insecurity and a jealous resentment of all stable life-forms. You will also wonder how this is funny, and if the author is making some obscure idiotic nerd reference (he is) and if so, why he would do that. Wonder no more! I have the answers you so desperately seek: the author is a Scorpio.