This week's 'scopes: the future is eventual.

LEO
You will soon encounter a long-lost acquaintance. Ignore him. Encountering long-lost acquaintances is what facebook is for. At least there you can unfriend the douchebag when he gets annoying, which is usually immediately.

ARIES
A rare investment opportunity will present itself to you. Take advantage of it! You will will have to sell your children into slavery, but you hate those needy little shitheads anyway, and if it weren't for having to put food in their ungrateful mouths you could have afforded this opportunity in the first place.

AQUARIUS
Being an Aquarius probably means having idiots sing that stupid 5th Dimension song every time you tell someone your sign. God must hate you.

FALAFEL
You will soon find that selling your semen isn't really sustainable as a "job" after you're banned from the local sperm bank and your attempt to peddle it at the farmers market ends in failure and humiliation.